Minggu, 29 November 2009

Male and Female Showering Habits

Male and Female Showering Habits

Shower like a woman...

Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat.

Get in shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

Condition hair with cucumber and lamprey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.

Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off.

Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small African country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails and or tweezers (if you can find them).

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend hour and a half getting dressed.

Shower like a man...

Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her while shouting "Way Hey!!"

Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique.

Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch bollocks and smell fingers for one last whiff.

Get in shower.

Don't bother to look for wash cloth, don't need one.

Wash face.

Wash armpits.

Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower.

Wash bollocks and the surrounding area.

Wash arse, leaving hair on soap.

Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner.

Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.

Piss in shower.

Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time.

Partially dry off.

Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob again.

Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.

Leave bathroom light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her.

Put on yesterday's clothes.

A Hell of a Town


We've had many out of town visitors lately. Here are my favorite things to do with them:

One of the most beautiful rooms in New York City is BG Restaurant at Bergdorf Goodman.

The prices will kill you - 24 bucks for chicken salad (but it does have Green Goddess dressing!)
What you're paying for is the spectacular room, designed by Kelly Wearstler. They also have afternoon tea from 3 to 5, which I keep meaning to try out.

A less expensive option is Prime Burger, which has been around since 1938. I love it so much. It's at 51st between Madison and Fifth, so if you're taking someone to see St. Patrick's Cathedral, it's right there. You can eat at these tables that look like old wooden desks.

And: it's worth it to go to Brooklyn to have dessert at The Chocolate Room. The Cobble Hill branch is four subway stops out of Manhattan, which isn't so bad. Their chocolate cake is the best I've ever had in my life, and it's one of Oprah's favorites, too.

Senin, 23 November 2009

A Bad Hairdresser Day

A Bad Hairdresser Day


"Hey everybody!" Hairdresser Lady called out. "It's The Happy Guy."

"Don't try buttering me up, Hairdresser Lady," I warned. "It's not going to work."

"What's not going to work?" she demanded.

"You can't cover up your gross incompetence with a 'Hey everybody' cheer."

"Gross incompetence?"

"That's right. Just look at my head. Go ahead, take a real close look."

"Why, it's a family of sparrows. What a lovely nest," she grinned.

"No, over here."

"My, my. If it isn't a bald spot," she giggled. "Should I give it a shine?"

WARNING: The before picture.

"It looks like you could use Hair Loss No More ... or we'll have to wear sun glasses in your presence," she added.

"That's just what I mean, Hairdresser Lady. Ever since I've been coming to you this past couple years, I've been losing hair. What have you been doing to it?"

"Er, nothing. Just a little growth formula."

"Growth?!? My hair isn't growing. It's falling out."

Hairdresser Lady's Secret Trick

"The growth formula is not for your hair, silly. It's for your scalp," Hairdresser Lady responded.

"Growth formula for my scalp?"

"To make you look taller," Hairdresser Lady explained. "You do look kind of short, you know."

"How will growth formula on my scalp make me look taller?"

"Just look in the mirror. Already your head is starting to stick up out of your hair," Hairdresser Lady pointed out. "You look taller already."

She was right. I did look taller. "That stuff really works?"

"It works wonders on my petunias," Hairdresser Lady asserted.

Saaaaay, wait a minute. That's not a growing scalp. That's a receding hairline! "I don't believe it. You are NOT putting growth formula on my scalp. I am just losing my hair."

By this time, Hairdresser Lady was rolling on the floor with laughter. And I still had no idea what she was doing to make my hair fall out.

"I'll bet this is a secret trick to reduce your workload. The more hair falls out, the less you have to cut."

"Less hair to cut, but more face to wash," she chirped as she dunked my head under water. Deep under water. "Actually, you don't look too bad. Your hair is just getting thin here and there, and you have a lot more vacant real estate above your eyes. But most of your hair is clinging on...for now."

It was that last "for now" that sent shivers down my spine. Already I could see how much hair I had lost since she became my hairdresser. What diabolical anti-hair plot could she be preparing to unleash upon my head? I feared all my questions would soon be answered when she brought a new tray to the counter in front of me.

Could a hairdresser use tar and feathers?

"What's all that stuff? I demanded.

"These are your new hairdressing supplies: tar, a very large black brush, and a cheese grater," she smiled as she opened the tar lid.

"What's in that?" I was panicking.

"Don't worry," Hairdresser Lady whispered. "Nobody will know that it's not really...hair."

I lunged toward the exit. As the door swung closed behind me, I heard her call out, "Don't you even want to know what the cheese grater is for?"

Looking back, the whole situation seems ludicrous. My hair was not falling out because of Hairdresser Lady. It was falling out because of middle age. After all, they didn't have hairdressers in the Middle Ages.

Yesterday, my wife asked me when I last got my hair cut. I told her it had been a while. "Why do you ask?"

"Because," she puzzled. "Your hair seems to be growing quite long."

I think I shocked her when I began jumping up and down, shouting, "Yes. It works. Yes. Yes. Yes. No more hairdressers! No miracle petunias! No growing scalps!"

Still, every now and then, I wonder -- just what was the cheese grater for.

Get a personal growth humor column, like this one on hairdressers and bald spots, in your inbox every week. For more humor articles check the menu to the left.

Senin, 16 November 2009

Automated Prank Calls using A.I. Technology?

Automated Prank Calls using A.I. Technology?
by: Luke Carter


If you're the sort of person who likes to make prank calls and wind people up in general you'll probably be aware of the many prank call sites on the internet, offering a choice of automated phone windups to play anytime.

The thing is, like every category of services, picking the best site to run with can sometimes be a challenge.

Obviously, the best prank calls are the most convincing, and to achieve convincing prank calls you will need to make sure the prank call service itself is the real deal.

After all, the fun is in reeling someone in and humiliating them at the end right?

But you won't find out if you're "victim" hangs up! You would have just wasted you're money for nothing.

So how can you make sure you're getting the best?

There are 2 main types of automated prank calls service. One is a simple recorded prank call system which plays a recording to your victim hoping that it will achieve a response, but in reality is not credible at all and usually gets picked up on right away. Not much use.

The other uses Artificial Intelligence technology to actually interact with what your victim says just like a normal conversation. The system also "knows" when to take breaks and let them speak and when to ask different questions depending on their reaction. This is the type you want. This type of service also allows you to listen in secretly to your victim's reaction and they won't be able to hear you laugh out loud!

Prank Call Services that use this A.I. technology usually offer a much higher standard & wider range of prank calls to choose from, using professional voice actors to produce them.

When it comes to choosing a Prank Call Site, make sure you only use the best. After all, it's no fun when the person you are calling hangs up the phone after a few seconds is it?

Kamis, 12 November 2009

How To Cope When You Are Surrounded By Idiots

How To Cope When You Are Surrounded By Idiots
by: Ben Goode


Are the idiots in your life driving you crazy? Do you often feel like you are surrounded by idiots? Have you ever wondered if YOU are an idiot? Do the idiotic C.Y.A. instructions on the packaging of most products you buy these days make you feel like the world must think you are an idiot?

The following article contains lessons on stupidity. They cover things you should pretty much never do. There are many, many more lessons we could add, such as not floating face down in the septic tank or not applying your own tattoo with a wood burner and lead-based house paint, but these are normally material for a post-graduate stupidity course. You probably shouldn't attempt to comprehend these high-level concepts until you have mastered the more basic skills.

Experience has shown that the louder you yell the principle to the idiot pupil in question the better the procedure works. (OK, a little honesty here would probably be good. The truth is, shouting the lessons probably won't have much of an effect on the idiot, because as we all know, he/she is an idiot, but it will probably make you feel a little better).

Here are a few suggestions that could change your life if you are someone who is struggling with idiots in your life. If you are an idiot, try to find someone to read these principles to you and then apply them. If you are surrounded by idiots or if you have a loved one who has idiotic tendencies, you will probably want to teach these principles to the idiots in your life. You never know. It might just help.

1. You should never try to lick the bottom of the blender while the blades are still turning.
2. Never drink quarts of vinegar while eating boxes of baking soda.
3. Never clean up nitro-glycerin or unstable nuclear waste with a vacuum cleaner.
4. Never let friends hit you over the head with a baseball bat unless you are wearing a good helmet.
5. Never adjust your TV antenna during a lightening storm.
6. You shouldn't smoke while siphoning gasoline.
7. Don't microwave dynamite.
8. Never dry your hair with a blow torch.
9. Never pick your scabs while swimming with sharks.
10. Never hang glide during a hurricane.

Find a Reason to Smile More with Fun Sites

Find a Reason to Smile More with Fun Sites
by: Diana Daniels


Are we losing out the fun from our lives? Is the mad rat race squeezing out the humor from our lives? Humor is the all essential ingredient for leading a healthy, positive life.The monotony of existence, the same old routine of everyday-sprinkle humor onto it and the drudgery of life becomes more bearable. When we are hanging out with friends and having a good laugh, for those few precious moments we are able to leave behind all the worries, pains, and pressures of existence. So what do you do when you are badly in need of a good laugh? As it is the medium we turn to for almost everything, the answer here is again the internet. And the internet has plenty of sites that will bring an instant smile to your faces. Fun sites, as they are categorized as, are a treasure trove of humor videos, pictures, games, puzzles, riddles and tons more, that will entertain you and captivate you.

Once hooked on to these sites, you would not even realize how time will fly. It is like hanging out with your buddies again, laughing, enjoying and having fun. There is so much to choose from at these sites, from funny videos to music to games and more. Once you find yourself in the world of fun sites it is hard to let go. These sites have a legion of dedicated fans that are growing everyday. Sensing their popularity among net users, there are now tons of fun sites available and more are being added every day.

Fun sites not only provide hours of amusement for you, they are also a forum where you can meet and interact with other fans of such fun sites. Upload your funny videos and share it with other users or challenge them to a game and you will no longer feel starved for fun company.

Fun sites not only provide entertainment but can be educational too. There are a number of fun sites available for children that make learning fun, through games, puzzles etc. Do you need your daily dose of entertainment news? Well fun sites cater to that too. All that you need to drive the blues away, you will find at these fun sites.

As they say it costs nothing to smile, but it will brighten up your day, so smile more and spread the joy around.Fun sites give you the opportunity to bring the humor back to your lives and more and more people are turning to these sites to get their daily dose of fun. You can jump on the bandwagon too and enjoy the joyride -that is fun sites.

Enjoy These Useless Facts And Fun Trivia Questions And Answers

Enjoy These Useless Facts And Fun Trivia Questions And Answers
by: Deanna Mascle


Question: Which is stronger -- concrete or bone?

Answer: Bone

Useless Fact: Human bones can actually resist 40 times more stress than concrete. Don't believe it is true? Then picture a piece of concrete the size of a bone and imagine how easily it would break.

Question: What bird lays its egg in another bird's nest?

Answer: Cuckoo, Cowbird, Whyda, Honeyguide and Black-headed Duck

Useless Fact: These birds, called brood parasites, lay their eggs in another bird's nest and let the other bird parents feed and raise their chicks. The "egg abandoner" is then free to mate again and lay more eggs in another nest. The cuckoo is the best known brood parasite and an expert in the art of cruel deception. Its strategy involves stealth, surprise and speed. The mother removes one egg laid by the host mother, lays her own and flies off with the host egg in her bill. The whole process takes barely ten seconds. Cuckoos parasitize the nests of a large variety of bird species and carefully mimic the colour and pattern of their own eggs to match that of their hosts. Each female cuckoo specializes on one particular host species. How the cuckoo manages to lay eggs to imitate each host's eggs so accurately is one of nature's main mysteries.

Question: What is the largest invertebrate?

Answer: Colossal Squid

Useless Fact: A species of squid reported to be significantly larger than the giant squid, is called the Colossal squid, officially named Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni. In February 2007 a live colossal squid was brought to the surface in Antarctic waters by a New Zealand fishing boat. This enormous squid, which was determined to be a male of the species, was 10 meters (32.8 feet), and weighed 450 kilograms (992 pounds), making it the largest squid (the largest invertebrate) ever captured. What is even more astonishing is that, from what scientists know about squid species in general, there is great sexual dimorphism in squids, with females being significantly larger than the males. If that holds true for the Colossal squid, this male specimen that was captured could very well be dwarfed by a much larger female of the species.

Question: What does the first letter of a radio station's call sign mean?

Answer: The location of the station

Useless Fact: Generally, in the United States, call signs begin with K west of the Mississippi River, and W to the east.

Question: Where was the first McD0nald's located?

Answer: Arcada, California

Useless Fact: Brothers Dick and Mac McDonald open a hot dog stand called the Airdome in Arcadia, California. In 1940, the brothers move to San Bernardino, California, on Route 66. After noting that almost all of their profits came from hamburgers, the brothers close down the restaurant for several months in 1948 to implement their innovative "Speedee Service System", a streamlined assembly line for hamburgers.

Question: What is the largest insect?

Answer: Acteon Beetle or Longhorn Beetle

Useless Fact: There are different ways of measuring the size of an insect, most people would consider the largest insect to be the bulkiest and in that case the largest insect is the Acteaeom Beetle from South America. The male beetles can be 9cms long by 5cms wide by 4cms thick. If you want to measure largest by overall size, check out the South American Longhorn Beetle (Titanus giganteus) these giants can be over 16cms in body length (not including antennae) One other beetle, Dynastes hercules is also well known for reaching 16cms in length though it is not nearly as heavy. The longest insect in the world is the Stick-Insect (Pharnacia serritypes), the females of which can be over 36cm long.

How and When To Make Humour at Work!

How and When To Make Humour at Work!
by: Lionel Estridge


A good laugh will do wonders for you as smiling and laughing lowers your stress levels, wins you a friendly reputation, and helps your usually tense co-workers and bosses to relax.

Humour on the job will do a lot for your career, but there are a number of things you need to know about laughter and humour in the place of work.

Feeling good and having humour in our lives can do wonders for our position and productivity, which means that there is definitely a place for some humour on the job. Having a smiling face will help your co-workers and supervisors feel better being around you, and you may well end up reaping rewards by laughing more in the workplace. But you need to know how to apply humour in your work environment.

Laughing has been proven to be a huge stress reliever, letting you feel better and becoming more productive. To be able to loosen up and have some fun is great, so why not take that approach to work each day and lighten up around the work place? Smiling can make your job easier, more than ever if you work in customer service or sales. But there's certainly a right and incorrect way to use humour in the workplace.

One of the main rules with humour in the workplace is to avoid controversy when you are joking on the job. Stay well away from joking about political affairs, race and religion.

Sex is another unsafe topic because of sexual harassment in the workplace. Make sure that you stay well within the lines of decency.

Never make fun at other people within your organization, as you are trying to win friends with the people you work with, and not set against them. If you can't help yourself, please be extremely careful.

Poking fun at the work you do or the industry you work in is a good way to earn some smiles from your co-workers and supervisors. While these types of workplace jokes may not be so funny at home or with friends, as they really don't appreciate the pressures of your employment, the people who are around you in your job will definitely appreciate the humour about their frustrations and will be able to laugh over the situations instead of complaining.

Making jokes about the ups and downs of your trade is a safe way to add wit to the place of work. You will have the benefit of knowing precisely what your co-workers have to face each and every day, and it's much better as it helps to let go of tensions and lower stress levels by getting them to chuckle about the situations they come across frequently.

The very best time for some humour is when you are not working, but still in the region of the people you work with, such as a coffee or lunch break. You can also make an effort to be funny on the job, but when you are working, it's a good idea to use jokes much more thinly than you would normally do.

In general, humour in the workplace is a superb area to flex your creative muscles and give your job a little boost.

Humour in the workplace helps stress levels to drop, and your co-workers will feel better about working with you. Start gradually, and add a few more safe jokes here and there to incite a few smiles. Everyone will feel better because of your efforts.

Selasa, 10 November 2009

Female Muslim Sexologist On TV; Proves More Popular Than Al-Qaeda

Female Muslim Sexologist On TV; Proves More Popular Than Al-Qaeda
by: Tom Attea


A female Muslim sexologist named Heba Kotb now has a TV program called “Big Talk,” where the courageous pioneer discusses sex in as normal and healthy a manner as she can dare to in her excitable part of the world.

A conservative Muslim herself, the irrepressible Egyptian lady actually has Muslims talking about such taboo ideas as sexual positions, female orgasm, and oral sex, which, she says, is permitted "since there is no religious text banning it."

Her program has apparently become the talk of her sexually veiled society. She has, in fact, proved to be even more popular than Al-Qaeda, as usually represented by one madman or another ranting about murdering innocent people as a perverse means of persuasion.

"It's a beautiful thing what she is doing," commented Abier El-Barbary, a woman who is a psychotherapist and a faculty member at the American University in Cairo. "It's a long overdue topic tastefully done.”

Let’s wish her luck. When sex is part of the discussion, it appears that the injunction to “make love, not war” may have, even in the Middle East, a fighting chance.

Some of the Humorous Latest Sardar Jokes

Some of the Humorous Latest Sardar Jokes
by: Rahul Roy


If you visit Indian and some neighboring countries of it, you’ll hear lots of bone tickling jokes. And among all funny and humorous jokes you’ll certainly hear Sardar jokes. These Sardar are the residents of Punjab (one of the state of India), they are famous for their jokes which are very humorous.

It is hard to locate when the first Sardar jokes was said or who was the first one to say those jokes but the jokes regarding them are still very famous as they were in the past. People enjoy Sardar jokes more rather than other jokes.

In these jokes the behavior of Sardar are reflected in humorous manner so that they sound funny and create laughter. You might be wondering as what are these Sardar jokes… Here are of the latest Sardar jokes:

Once a Hindu, a Muslim and our dear Santa Singh were standing together . An Englishman came up and asked, “Hey guys, what is your favorite flower?”

The Hindu replied, ‘Lotus’
‘Ha, I clean my shit with that!’ the Englishman jeered.

The Hindu got angry, the lotus being our national flower.

The Muslim replied: “Chameli”
‘Ha I clean my shit with that!’ The Englishman response

The Muslim also got angry but kept quite.

The Englishman asked Santa, ‘Sardarji, and what is your favorite flower?’
Patriotic Santa replied: ‘Cactus! and replied, “Now clean your ass with that!”

-----------------------

Jasmeet caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all around his living room.

Jasmeet: “What are you searching for?”

Santa Singh: “Hidden camera!”

Jasmeet: “And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?”

Santa Singh: “That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why every few minutes he keeps saying, you are watching the Star World channel. How does he know that?”

-----------------------

Banta Singh wants to celebrate his wife’s birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake.

The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.

Well he thinks for a while and says: Let’s put, “you are not getting older you are getting better”.

The salesman asks, “How do you want me to put it?”

Sardar says, well put “You are not getting older”, at the top and “You are getting better” at the bottom.

The real fun didn’t start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:

“You are not getting older at the top; you are getting better at the bottom”.

-----------------------

These were some of the funny latest Sardar jokes. You can find a huge collection of these jokes on web. These jokes are really a good opener of laughter. So if you are lonely and bored, don‘t hesitate to find some latest Sardar jokes on web and have fun reading them.

Mahmoud And The Talking Camel

Mahmoud And The Talking Camel
by: Tom Attea


Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the feisty and foolish President of Iran, was coming back from one of his frequent addresses to students, who always agree with him 100%, when a camel walked out onto the road his limo was zipping along.

“Look, a camel,” called his perceptive driver, slamming on the brakes.

“Just give him a minute,” Mahmoud observed sagely, “and I’m sure he’ll cross the road to get to the other side.”

“Why?” the bodyguard next to the driver asked, inadvertently poking himself in the eye with his AK-47.

“To get a drink of water,” witty Mahmoud suggested.

“Ha,” chuckled the driver and the bodyguard, making up, through their feigned camaraderie, the usual “Ha, ha.”

But, instead of behaving as projected, the camel ambled up to the limo and looked in at Mahmoud. Then, quite to the Mayor-turned-President’s surprise, it began to move its lips as if it was speaking in Farsi.

Ever the obliging pawn of the ruling mullahs, Mahmoud rolled down his window, and asked, “Can I help you?”

“Yez, Prez,” the camel replied, with a curious accent that seemed to be due to its rubbery lips.

Astonished, Mahmoud exclaimed, “How can a camel talk?”

“It’z a zpecial gift from Allah.”

“Really?” the President pondered.

“Yez. There I waz, zleeping by a watering hole last night, when Allah appeared on my back, and zaid, ‘I have a problem.’

“I didn’t know what to say,” the camel went on, “because I didn’t know how to talk.

"Then Allah zaid, ‘Let’z talk.’

“And, suddenly, I knew how.

"So I zaid, ‘Thankz, what’s up?’

“Allah sighed, and told me, ‘Try az I might, I can’t find a zsingle Iranian with the courage to have an honest talk with Mahmoud. Zo I’ve decided to give you the azzignment.’”

“A lowly camel, appearing on behalf of Allah?” Mahmoud questioned.

“No, a camel chozen by Allah,” came the wise reply. “Zo I zaid to Allah, ‘How can I help?’”

“And what did Allah say?” Mahmoud half scoffed.

The camel glanced at the bodyguard with the AK-47 and trembled with fear.

“Relax,” Mahmoud told him. “He won’t shoot. I promise.”

“Thankz,” the camel replied.

“So what did Allah tell you?”

“He said, ‘Go to Mahmoud and tell him he has a suicide wish.’”

“A suicide wish?” Ahmadinejad exclaimed, and jumped out of the limo. “Allah told you that?”

“Yez, he did,” the camel said. “Not only that, he said you’re acting it out for the whole nation of Iran.”

“Now, why would I do that?” Mahmoud demanded.

“He zaid you mizinterpreted the Koran.”

“I did?”

“Yez, he said that you think after you die you’ll go to Paradize az a martyr and have a zubliminal wish to go there. But he zaid you forgot that he created you so you would live before you die. In fact, he created the whole univerze so you could live before you die. So ending your life by choice defeatz his primary purpose. Naturally, he’z upzet. Very upzet.”

“But how am I trying to commit suicide?”

“He zaid with your polizy of nuclear development.”

The bodyguard knew any negative talk about the Iranian centrifuge subterfuge would anger Mahmoud, who had somehow conflated the prestige of Iran with his, along with his superintending mullahs’, nuke-a-duke policy. So he hefted his principal means of communication, the AK-47, and asked, “Want me to silence him? I can do it without admitting it.”

“No,” Mahmoud replied insightfully. “A camel who can talk should not be shot.”

The camel did not take the bodyguard’s suggestion in stride, and uttered, “Uh-oh.” Then it turned to trot away.

“Come back here and tell me what else Allah said,” Mahmoud commanded him.

The camel stopped but only to call back, “He zaid you know you’re involved in a gamble you can’t win.”

“He said that?”

“Yez, he did,” the camel dared to affirm, and glanced at the bodyguard. “Don’t zhoot or I’ll zhut up.”

“He won’t,” Mahmoud assured the spooked camel, and turned to the bodyguard. “He may be a camel, but he’s a messenger of Allah. So no gunplay.” Then he looked back at the eloquent dromedary. “Did he say why I can’t win?”

“Yez, he zaid that the closer you get to succezz, the more other nationz will want to ztop you.” The camel swallowed hard and blurted out. “They will bomb you before they let you have a bomb.”

“He zaid that?” Mahmoud asked, and then, realizing he had just slipped into the curious accent of the camel, corrected himself. “I mean, he said that?”

“Yez, he did,” the camel confirmed. “Not only zhat, he zaid you’re telling the other countriez you’re only doing it for a reazon that izn’t credible, because Iran haz plenty of oil, so it doesn't need nuclear power for energy.”

“Anything else?” Mahmoud asked, grinding his teeth a bit.

“The most important zing: He told me to tell you to ztop.”

“Or?”

The camel swallowed hard, and then said, “I’m supposed to go from one city to the next and tell people to stop you, so they don’t have to die with you.”

The bodyguard waved his AK-47 in the sun.

The camel noticed it, and said, “Zo, quick! What’s your decision?”

“My decision is, you must be a mirage. Whoever heard of a talking camel – especially one who claims to be a messenger from Allah?”

“I think you’re right, boss,” the bodyguard called, and wiggled his rifle. “Want me to give it the hole-in-the-head test?”

Ahmadinejad took out his handkerchief and wiped his forehead, considering the possibility. Then he said, “Why waste bullets on a mirage?”

Getting back into the limo, he huffed skeptically, “Drive on. And don’t either one of you tell anybody I was talking to a camel.”

Advice to King Dave of the Isle of Man

Advice to King Dave of the Isle of Man
by: Louis Rosas-Guyon III


To HM King David of the Isle of Mann (or Man), cousin to Queen Elizabeth II, come forth, I, your Not-So-Humble Servant to render such Wisdom as I can…

For about ten minutes today, David Howe, a 38 year old businessman from Maryland commanded the front page on FoxNews.Com with the story of his Coronation. In 2006 some Brit genealogist called to tell him that he might have a claim to the throne of the Isle of Mann (or Man). So, he filled out the right forms and sent them to Her Majesty's Stationary Office which after a 90 day review period approved his Royal application. Apparently they sent him a crown, a royal robe and a spoon. Some Kings get swords, others get scepters, but David gets a spoon.

My favorite part of the story is the reaction from the people of the Isle of Man, which I think can best be summed up as: "Who?" The elected government of the Isle of Man is probably still laughing themselves senseless. They are so disrespectful of their new King that the official government website has no mention of his coronation. Well King David, it looks like you'll need to stage an invasion to enforce Your Royal Rights. I recommend you look into some the old laws on how to execute traitors. That's how you get medieval on their butts.

The best part about this story is that HM (that's His Majesty, to you) King David has a lovely website. On his home page under an enormous picture of him, he details his efforts to provide aide for the poor AIDS afflicted children of Insert African Nation Here. Even Americans know you cannot be a Royal unless you have some charity to support. Especially useful are those charities that show you pictures of starving children. Those work best of all. Good choice there, Your Majesty. You hit that nail right on the head.

But if you do a little digging into the Royal website you find his Royal Pedigree. You know, like they do with dogs. Not only does he include his family tree proving his Royal Title, but he also proves that he is a cousin to the Royal Family of Great Britain. Wow, he's cousins with the Queen! Let's get something straight; I'm no genealogist but it seems to me when you cast such an enormous net (like the Cousin's Net), you are probably also related to Cher, Bill Clinton and Dick Cheney. I recommend that you lose the whole Cousins thing. Let's agree that you are only allowed to be a Royal Cousin if they invite you over for tea.

Also, if you take the time to look at his Pedigree you may notice that he has achieved his gentle rank through marriage. Now, that is perfectly legitimate. But, does that mean he's Royal by insertion? If so, then good job King David! I always heard you were supposed to pull your Sword out of the stone. It just goes to show that you cannot trust legends. But it might damage your macho image, so I would dump that webpage too.

Now, there's the matter of Royal Revenue. Until you conquer your island you can't collect taxes. But I have solved that for you! Just sell Knighthoods! There are tons of obnoxious idiots who would pay dearly for a title. I would add a web store and sell them that way. Between the money you can make from titles and the cash that will come in from your charity, you should have a pretty nice war chest.

To invade, you will need an army. And let's face it, no regular mercenary army will do. You need to show your subjects that you mean business and will not tolerate anything but total loyalty. For that mission, I can only recommend Blackwater. It might take up some of the money for the African kids, but you can always pay them back later.

Anyway, I hope you look charitably on Your Servant for his Words of Wisdom and that Your Majesty remembers to send me money when you use any of these ideas.